So in my introduction post i mentioned my girl gaydar being so sucky that i didn’t even realise i was queer for the first 18 years of my life and this post will be about how i finally figured it out. Anyway so where to start well… ermm around the age of 13 my friends were all getting boyfriends and crushing on guys. They all thought it was really cute that I was ’embarrassed’ to talk about what boys i liked but I kept trying to tell them I wasn’t embarrassed i just really wasn’t interested I had better things to obsess over (like pretty ladies 😉 I suppose at the time I just thought I admired them a lot and when the straight crushes eventually came they’d instantly top all the girl crushes I had) but the insistance really just made me look all defensive and they’d tease me more.
Over the years when my straight girl friends got into arguments over who was hotter Channing Tatum or Robert Downey Jr. (for the record Robert Downey Jr. was definitely my answer…) and asked my opinion i realized i could appreciate a nice looking man (just as a straight woman would do when they call other ladies pretty) I just wasn’t attracted to them at all.
Helena aka Miss Havisham in the latest Great Expectations Adaption. It’s sooo Good!
I was just so confused and kept asking myself: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Am I going to be a lonely old cat lady forever with no Husband?! (the answer to this is yes I probably will never get married to any person ever just because the only thing appealing about a wedding is the dress and cake so i’m just setting my life goal to be Miss Havisham forever!). Any way I came across an agony aunt page in a teen mag with someone asking my very question and they were told they were Asexual so I was like OH! that’s whyy! but the more i looked into it the label just didn’t feel right so after a day of research i scrapped that idea and forgot about it thinking just eventually my straightness would come in time i was just a late bloomer.
Mum’s old Boss & Family Friend.
I’d always been okay with gay in fact my mum raised me normalizing all orientations as she basically grew up in her local gay village hanging out with her friends and first job being at drag club who’s owner was a family friend. However the endless homophobic comments my Dad made always sparked arguments between him and my mum and me. But even though me and my mum were highly opinionated with him, his comments only subconsciously made me feel insecure and left me convincing myself i couldn’t possibly be gay.
You NEED this!
About 9 months ago my parents split up and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i felt a bet more free to be myself but I just couldn’t figure out why. For my 18th birthday I recieved the Rookiemag Yearbook and came across an article that basically changed my life called Full Disclosure by Arabelle Sicardi. (Thank you a million times Arabelle for writing this it was the best thing I could’ve ever read and sometimes I still go back to it now to have a cry because it’s just so relevant).
Arabelle (Source: http://fashinpirate.tumblr.com
I read it and cried so hard there were so many emotions I finally knew what had been eating away at me all those years what was on the tip of my tongue the whole entire time I was a Lesbian. I had/have no desire to ever be with a man and appreciated the female body wayy too much to be straight (and i still think it’s one of the beautiful things ever!). I ran downstairs and gave my mum the article to read and she cried too. She found it heartbreaking that parents are actually homophobic to their own children and we got talking about it and remembered about my dad. I came out to him a few days ago and he said he doesn’t know “why I chose to be that way” but he supports me. I mean like i need his support, what do I possibly need it for anyway, it’s not like i’m running a marathon or anything. Also since when was being gay an choice i dunno but yeah he’s said he won’t tell his family (most likely because he’s ashamed they can be really homophobic too) and I just don’t trust him. A couple of weeks ago before I came out to him, we had one of our infamous arguments. During this he came to the conclusion that ‘gay people are just the same as people who commit bestiality’ and ‘it’s not okay for men to be gay because it makes him feel uncomfortable but it’s not as bad for women to be because men like it’ oh and another one ‘it’s not normal to be gay because you can’t reproduce’. Oh okay then so I guess all those straight people who are on the pill/use protection/do other things that aren’t scientifically ‘sexual intercourse’ aren’t normal either then because as far as i’m aware you can’t make babies that way either. Of course they are normal we all are no matter whether we’re Asexual, Pan-sexual Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Straight, questioning/confused we are all humans who love other consenting humans which i don’t really see as a crime. I’m just so glad I don’t live with him anymore, I know a lot of parents do worse but I really just don’t have time in my life for that crap. I am going to fill my life with people who I love and love me such as my mum, my brother,the rest of my family and my friends because they are all the best family I could ever want.